Day 50. I almost cried at dinner. See, hubs and I used to have drinks in the bar before and sometimes after date night dinner. Tonight was date night. Child sleeping away tonight. Hubs picked this restaurant he described as having a small, seafood menu. I like sushi. I like salmon. This wasn’t a sushi restaurant and there was no salmon on the menu. So I had reservations about the wisdom of this pick for me from the outset.
We were early for our res. There was no bar to speak of. At our table, I ordered a virgin bloody mary. I really like a spicy bloody. I very rarely (like less than once every 6 months) drank anything besides white wine for the past 5ish years, so ordering the virgin bloody felt totally ok. I haven’t done that til now – order a virgin drink – because of questions about how I’d feel doing it and what it means to drink the af version of boozy things. I was trying to have some semblance of a normal but af date night. The waitress told me the restaurant “did not have that tomato stuff” you use to make a bloody mary. I literally almost cried. I might cry right fucking now just thinking about that moment. That why can’t this ever be any mutherfucking easier moment.
I have PMS? My formerly alcohol-suppressed feelings are coming back? I dunno. I rallied and made it through dinner. With water. Without crying. But I was bummed. It’s day 50. Milestone-ish. I was tryin to move a step closer to settling into my sobriety. Maybe day 50 was too soon. Whatever the reason, I did not feel settled into my sobriety, I did not feel like I had date night solidly in hand af, I did not feel celebratory milestoney, and I about damn cried at the table.
After dinner, we tried to get cupcakes at the cool spot downtown. I googled n found they are open til 9 pm. We took a ride into the city to get them. The line was literally a block long. At 8:30 pm. We just left. I might woulda killed someone if I waited in that line and they closed without serving me. A cupcake. After I didn’t get served my af bloody mary. Fucking balls. I just want to get served something somewhere (that isn’t alcohol).
On a positive note. I wasn’t tempted to drink. I just felt sorry for myself. I got to yoga today. It was a new class & I was the only one who showed up. Private lesson – score!! The instructor told me I had beautiful form. Let’s end on that. I have a beautiful form free of chocolate cupcakes and that tomato stuff.