Day 50.  I almost cried at dinner.  See, hubs and I used to have drinks in the bar before and sometimes after date night dinner.  Tonight was date night.  Child sleeping away tonight. Hubs picked this restaurant he described as having a small, seafood menu.  I like sushi.  I like salmon.  This wasn’t a sushi restaurant and there was no salmon on the menu.  So I had reservations about the wisdom of this pick for me from the outset.

We were early for our res.  There was no bar to speak of.  At our table, I ordered a virgin bloody mary.  I really like a spicy bloody.  I very rarely (like less than once every 6 months) drank anything besides white wine for the past 5ish years, so ordering the virgin bloody felt totally ok.  I haven’t done that til now – order a virgin drink – because of questions about how I’d feel doing it and what it means to drink the af version of boozy things.  I was trying to have some semblance of a normal but af date night. The waitress told me the restaurant “did not have that tomato stuff” you use to make a bloody mary.  I literally almost cried.  I might cry right fucking now just thinking about that moment.  That why can’t this ever be any mutherfucking easier moment.

I have PMS?  My formerly alcohol-suppressed feelings are coming back?  I dunno.  I rallied and made it through dinner.  With water.  Without crying.  But I was bummed.  It’s day 50. Milestone-ish.  I was tryin to move a step closer to settling into my sobriety.  Maybe day 50 was too soon.  Whatever the reason, I did not feel settled into my sobriety, I did not feel like I had date night solidly in hand af, I did not feel celebratory milestoney, and I about damn cried at the table.

After dinner, we tried to get cupcakes at the cool spot downtown.  I googled n found they are open til 9 pm.  We took a ride into the city to get them.  The line was literally a block long.  At 8:30 pm. We just left.  I might woulda killed someone if I waited in that line and they closed without serving me.  A cupcake.  After I didn’t get served my af bloody mary.  Fucking balls.  I just want to get served something somewhere (that isn’t alcohol).

On a positive note.  I wasn’t tempted to drink.  I just felt sorry for myself.  I got to yoga today.  It was a new class & I was the only one who showed up.  Private lesson – score!!  The instructor told me I had beautiful form.  Let’s end on that.  I have a beautiful form free of chocolate cupcakes and that tomato stuff.