I was reading some sober bloggers this morning. Been a while since I felt like doing that. The pink cloud. I haven’t though of that in ages. I am seriously not sure I could experience the pink cloud right now. Grief, man, at the beginning anyway, is pretty soul sucking. I remember the first real, spontaneous smile I had post-death. I remember because it was, by that point, so foreign.
I did some on line Christmas shopping yesterday. The first I’ve done this year. Completely usual for me to do it on line and usually I start even later than this. I didn’t feel real shitty about it. I found some nice stuff for the child. Had a sweet idea for my sibs. There is this pic I found on my phone of my Mom gleefully tearing into a Christmas present. Wearing a red sweatshirt. She loved sweatshirts and holiday themed ones to boot. So Ima frame that for them.
Today, Ima take my hubs n kid n meet another family, & 100 of my other nearest and dearest (not) at Santa brunch. I’m doin the holidays. Not gleefully, but not totally sad sack either. There are moments of joy, and minutes of tears. They caught me unawares yesterday at the end of yoga. Sarah McLaughlin-like music came on to end the class. That woman has several songs that can tear me up when my Momma ain’t even freshly dead so, yeah, probably not odd that she caught me yesterday.
To end on a positive: (long pause in typing here. searching. searching. searching. got it.) This weekend I do not have to spend hours summarizing cases or feel completely angsty about any oral arguments. I don’t have anything that hard next week. So, yay.
P.S. My last oral argument went great. Win or lose, I knew my facts, spoke confidently about the law, and those boys might not think my side should win, but they recognized my side was well prepared, and presented strong. Strong. I am proud as shit about that. Because I was terrified. And I could have let that fear run me. But I did not. I sat down and did the hard work to prepare, even though my anxiety was messing with my concentration and confidence.