My life is full of drinkers.  Hubs, most of my close, local girlfriends, all of my work colleagues.  Some drink lots, some seem more moderate, but I know of only one other person who is a tee totaler.  And he is an old man I worked with nearly a decade ago.  He could be dead for all I know.

It is interesting being sober among drunks in a way I had not anticipated.  I expected to feel left out, awkward, unable to comfortably and quickly explain why I wasn’t imbibing.  I’ve felt those things, tho, really, not as much or intensely as I expected.  I’ve felt more relieved and surprised and a lil embarrassed for the drinkers.  Surprised because drinking doesn’t look fun. Even moderate drinking gives the eye a red hue, the eye lids look heavy, hubs gets grouchy and tired as the evening winds down and he switches to water, and then he sleeps poorly.  Embarrassed for the drunk ladies shakin their asses on the dance floor, marching around with their ever full plastic cups at kids’ events, talking loudly, probably inappropriately.  Relieved because I am not shakin my old ass, talkin loud and inappropriately, worrying about how much I can have and still drive the kid home, or agonizing over whether I can get away with another drink without raising eyebrows.

I went to a pool party once and the host commented to my hubs that I drank a whole bottle of Chardonnay.  The host was shocked by my consumption. I was pissed because it wasn’t enough.  This is how I know I can’t drink.  I used to, decades ago, want just one.  Used to think more than 2 was dangerously mind altering.  Now, I want the bottle plus, or what’s the point.  Only now I also do not want to be the person who NEEDS a bottle plus, so I can’t dally with the possibility of one, or so.

I went to the Fourth of July event at hubs’ job recently.  Sober me was able to stay up and out til after 10 pm, drive home in the dark sober, & enjoy the event without worrying about drinking.  I was sober for this event last year too.  I drank in between but was sober for the same event 2 years in a row.  Funny-ish.  Maybe I can make it all the way around sober this time. I aspire.