So, I had this big presentation for work the other day. First presentation to this client. Complicated medicine, made me nervous. And this particular meeting structure, as well as all of the participants, were new to me. My anxiety was high. The evening before I presented, I dreamed of tequila and smoking. There was an amber colored glass ashtray with a smoldering cigarette. It was a small water glass of golden tequila. Bigger than a shot. I had salt on one hand and a lime slice in the other. I was soooo close. In real life, I never liked tequila, ever.
Then today, as the work day turned into the work evening with no end in sight, those dangerous thoughts of, “surely you’re cured now…you can have just one (a couple)” flitted into my consciousness. Now, last time ‘I thought I could I thought I could,’ I struggled to get past that. This time, I WAS really work swamped but I could push the ‘I think I can I think I can’ thoughts aside pretty quickly and stayed focused on working. By the time I got home, the think I cans had passed. Maybe that’s progress. You know, the urge to drink lessens over time and so too does the dumb ass notion that I can moderate today, that something major has changed for me and my vices, despite the fact that I’m dreaming, just this week, of extra large tequila shooters. With lime and salt.
Sobering on. 5 months, 21 days. I hope to be dream free tonight.